So Athougable

I wanted to become a doctor, so I can say “I save people’s lives”

I wanted to become a lawyer, so I can say “Permission to approach the bench, your honor.”

I wanted to become an Interior Designer, because I wanted to become like my sister

I wanted to become a Psychologist, because I finally found something I’m good at

And now I don’t want anything, because I found something I love

I do a lot of reflecting. Perhaps too much reflecting. But it’s who I am, I’ve come to terms with it and let it be a part of me. I’ve gotten a little lighter on myself each and every time I reflect but sometimes when things I’ve never dealt with before hit, I just let it run rampant in my head… And today that particular thing is nostalgia… I’m feeling nostalgic for the old me. Wait, am I old enough to feel this way? I think the too much reflecting has its side-effects (you think? *rolls eyes*) And as I slow down and try to decipher what it is exactly I’m missing, I realize that the old me had a lot more fun than the new me. The old me made a lot of mistakes (hell so is the now-me) but the old me didn’t place so much pressure on herself to maintain a certain perception, to create an unrealistic permanent self to others, to try so hard to become someone she isn’t exactly sure she wants to be. No, this all new. Sometimes the old me comes back and it’s with particular people. I hold these people dearly to my heart because I know that with them I don’t feel any of the crap I feel with others. They are simple people, and their simplistic outlook on life rubs off on me.

It’s nice to figure out why you’re frustrated about something isn’t it? Gives you so much relief that you don’t feel the need to solve the issue you’re frustrated about. But my only wish is to take lessons from the old me.

I’ve been looking at the past few posts and maaaaaan is it depressing in here! I think It’s because I’ve already developed a habit of writing only when I’m distressed that I ended up having so many depressing posts. I don’t like talking about my problems to anyone and if I do, I don’t feel any relief afterwards, so writing became that source of relief.. I can let go of whatever I’m feeling without worry and I feel energetic afterwards. But, I assure you I never intended on this blog becoming such a downer, but bear with me.

Also, Ramadan Mubarak to all of you! I’m probably one of the few who’ll say this but this year’s Ramadan is my favorite because it’s in the summer. I have almost all of it off! Being in the states, every year Ramadan fell during the school year. Two years ago, it started on the first day of school. It was only last year where Ramadan began in late summer. So, even though the sun sets around 8:15, Ramadan in the summer is a blessing. But this year’s Ramadan won’t hold the title as my favorite for so long because by next year inshallah we’ll spend it in Saudi Arabia. Can you believe it’s been 11 years since we’ve fasted in Saudi? I’m already excited. Have a peaceful and joyful month, you guys!

Surprises are little joys of life. My friends and family surprised me today with a birthday party I would have never dreamed it taking this much time and effort out of them. They decorated the entire basement with red and white and hung happy birthday banners everywhere. Hearing the roaring “surprise” as I stepped into the basement overwhelmed me to tears… And I rarely cry in public. To have such wonderful and thoughtful people as friends and family, that truly is the heart of blessing.

I saw it, in a show once, two people meet once a week – out of the city – gaze at the stars and talk about whatever they wanted. The only rule was that no one asks the other for more information no matter what the other person says, it’s just a time where they let themselves think clearly. Although it seems like a recipe for disaster, to me it sounds like such a wonderful idea. But it isn’t real. Life and relationships are too complicated for something as simple to happen. You know, you guys, as I watch my classmates answer tough math problems with confidence and ease I wonder if they too can solve life as easily. If there was a problem, would they find the solution?I came to appreciate math. It’s more than just numbers, it prepares the person for life.

Wow, I cannot believe it’s July already! I finished my first summer session with a B – in math and It feels amazing! I know the only thing that pulled my grade up was my attendance, but so be it. I’m glad the worse is half way over. My second summer session started the following monday with statistics. And just today I took my GRE exam. It’s definitely a challenging summer both academically and personally. Personally, I’ve never faced so much change before in my life you guys, and this summer things in my life rapidly changed, exactly like how the days and weeks seem to skid by without anyone truly noticing until we land on a date we can’t believe is already here.

When change occurs in your life, you discover things about you that you will hate… Or maybe that was just me. I discovered that I couldn’t take change very lightly. At times it overwhelms and at other times it feels … unreal. It felt unreal because the change was uncontrollable and my feelings towards this change were new to me. It masked me and I had to, at all times, control my un-welcomed emotions. And that is mentally exhausting!

These emotions are like uncontrollable saliva. We all generate saliva, but we don’t think about how to control it, we subconsciously know how to do that already. My new un-welcomed emotions had to be controlled at all times as if I had to consciously control saliva every time I generated it. The only thing I can’t control are the thoughts these emotions evoke in my mind. Which is the root of all the chaos this change is provoking. It feels like I moved in to someone else’s soul and mind… I just hope I can check out soon. I hate feeling like a stranger in my own body.

Sorry for the vagueness in this post, you guys, I just can’t write down the truth yet.

As I grow older, I find myself the most relaxed, the most comfortable, the most confident, the most happy … when I’m by myself. I haven’t quite yet figured out why. I am outgoing, I enjoy the company of friends and family but I love being alone, doing the things that interest me. Sitting on my bed, with a notebook cushioned by my knees and just writing, writing, writing until I reach the moment where I feel as if my pen took charge of my thoughts and is writing words down before I can articulate them. I think part of it is because it is the only time where everything is true and comprehendible. Everything is simple and easy. Solitude is freedom.

Through my 19 years … I’ve realized that decisions aren’t the hardest to make, it’s the choices you deal with beforehand. 

What if… What if it didn’t matter what you looked like? What you wore? Where you lived, what car you drive? what words you said, what thoughts caused you to decide? What made you hurt, and hurt really bad? What if it didn’t matter what people thought about you, about what they only think is you? What misconceptions they conclude based on their perspective on life? What if it didn’t matter how words slit your heart, clinched your soul with one fist, in a twist, making your eyes glisten? What if that reassuring smile, that everything is ok, didn’t matter?

What if it was ok to cry in a public place, when you really, really need to? To admit you’re weak and look up to find no one there but a reflection of your big eyes staring at a pool of agitation? What if it was ok to put up that picture that you only liked and everyone thought was ugly? What if it was ok to agree because you don’t have an opinion… yet? What if it was ok not to know what to do at the right moment and the right time, when everyone else did? What if … It was ok to overthink, say the wrong things, make stupid decisions, laugh at inappropriate times, love when the time’s not right, miss that assignment, make a midnight snack that’s actually a meal, misspell a word, run so fast and so far and suddenly look back when you swore you never would, what if it was ok to be unimportant?

You always ask who am I? Who am I? What are you but a pile of questions that never wanted an answer. Be yourself? Yourself requires a true revelation, how can you be it? There you go asking questions… So be it. Be a question, meet an answer half way then don’t care what it offers because answers are deceiving, questions are  true.

You know the feeling of pure uselessness? You feel down, lost and confused. You judge every action, move, dialogue, word, smile, blink that’s produced by you. You feel like all your flaws are exposed to the world; nothing in you seems to be relevant. Your logic fights with your feelings and demands its rightful place back into your mind… creating an internal battle. You are not in control. You’re exhausted, your thoughts race so fast you’d think a race car driver was taking laps around your brain. You’re exhausted, you give up and let it all engulf you. You are outside of your body now, you don’t know who you are anymore. Your eyes close, your breath deepens, you sink deeper into your pillow and enter a world of comfort cradled by exhaustion.